sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
