On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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