he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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