he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
