im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
