good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
