I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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