so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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