wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You are a booty call, not a friend.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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