I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
