life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
