Don't make out with my wife yet
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
