in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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