thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
