my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize