You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize