Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i just made my gag reflex go away.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
