im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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