I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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