I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
