but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
