i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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