After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
