Dude my mom stole all your condoms
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
