I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
