Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
