I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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