i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
