I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
