maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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