i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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