Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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