apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sext me about skeletons
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