He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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