I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize