His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
