I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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