My hand turned me down
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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