I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
