I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
