I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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