What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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