I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
