i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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