Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
as a side note pls kill me
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
