hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
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no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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