Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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