So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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