It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize