Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
