and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
