Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
