I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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