Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
