If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
