i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
