He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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