My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
