Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
