Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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