My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
