the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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