You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
