cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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