I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
