Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
