he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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